Listening is at the Heart of Connection

How many of you can remember a time when your parent, spouse, or friend asked you the question “are you evening listening to me?”

I know personally I can remember very vivid images and stories in my mind of being either the one to say those words or on the receiving end of those words. Why is important for us and others to feel heard? Well, listening to those around us is one of the most crucial ways in which we connect with those that are important to us. It aids in communication and learning.

Sometimes, when we are listening to those around us we are listening to respond not listening to connect. What do I mean by that? Imagine you are in a conversation with your best friend and they are telling you something that is happening in their life that is going on that is rather difficult. Are you listening with the intention of responding in a way to appear like you have all the answers or telling them what they want to hear? OR, are you listening to connect to really hear their heart and see what support you can be? So many times those important people around us talk with us to connect, to share ideas, to share their lives, not for us to appear like we have all the answers.

Active listening can be hard sometimes if we are listening to respond versus listening to connect. Next time you are in conversation with someone, watch your thoughts and intentions. Are you there to offer your advice or really listen to see how you can best support that person, even if all they need is for someone to help them feel seen and heard? Are there ways that you can repeat back what you thought the person shared to make sure you are actually hearing them not just interpreting their words in your own way? With your spouse or significant other, are there ways that you can put away any distractions when they are talking with you and really intentionally give them your full attention to hear what they want to share with you? When you are with children in your life, can you listen to what they share and try to find ways to connect, bring about deeper learning, and make them feel heard and safe?

About 2/3 of people nowadays feel lonely on a regular basis and I partially feel this is because we are such a disconnected society. Yes we have cell phones, social media, and other technology to “keep us connected” but are we really? I challenge you this week to observe how you are in communication with others. When you are with them, how can you find ways to connect on a deeper level such as eye contact, repeating back what you heard for clarification, asking questions, and being fully present. I know for me personally I am working on listening to truly listen not just listening to answer. My brain often works faster than my mouth can keep up and am guilty of interrupting others when they are talking to me. Even if I never intend for this to come off as rude, it can make others feel like what they are saying isn’t important or that I am just “listening” to respond vs listening to understand. I also am working on being more present when I am in communication with others- being fully present, off my phone or other devices, and try to build a deeper connection.

Active Listening Tools

Reflection:

• What resonates with you this week?

• Are there things that you notice in your communication style that can be improved for deeper connection? 

• What topics, resources, or information would you like to see in this newsletter to improve your relationships and build your capacity for change?