What comes to mind when I say the word attachment?

You probably think of young children and their parents or family members right? That is a reasonable assumption. Attachment does start developing during the earliest months of a child’s life as they engage with the adults that are regularly within their lives like a parent, family member, or teacher. Humans are born with an innate biological need to be in relationship with others to survive. Infants must rely on the adults around them for everything. Even though attachment may seem like an early childhood issue only, attachment and the patterns that are created within us based on our attachment style stays with us throughout our lives. The earliest moments where we start to learn if we matter to those around us, can trust other people, and allow people to help us meet our needs not only impacts how we develop as children but how we can continue to engage with and connect with others as we become adults.

How many of you have ever said “When I am an adult or when I am a parent, I will never do or say X?” Then when the situation arises that you swore you would be different, you ended up falling into the same patterns that you experienced? Welcome to being human. Our brains react or respond based on patterns and experiences from our past, until we train them to operate on new patterns and experiences.

What is attachment and how does it develop?

According to the Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development, “Attachment is the emotional bond between the child and the parent.” This bond is built over time based on how warm, consistent, and reliable the main adults in our lives are. It shapes how we view ourselves in context to relationships with other people and how confident we feel in having relationships with others. Through every day moments between young children and adults, attachment is built. These small moments are often called “serve and return” interactions where one party shares a noise, need, etc and the other party engages back. The more often these moments share back to the young child that they are important, their needs will be met, and they can trust people to help them, the more positive or secure their attachment will be. Our attachment builds over time, it is not a one time event but overall trends of interactions. The more positive overall these interactions are, the more positive or secure the attachment is.

What are the different kinds of attachment?

Why does it matter?

How we “attach” to other people directly impacts how we can be in relationship with others. Even though this way of how we view relationships with others is set in the earliest years, we can always continue to grow. According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, the relationship development between primary caregivers is the most important and influential in a child’s life. It helps with developmental outcomes over time and quality of future relationships with peers and romantic partners. The patterns set within infancy impact our ability to be in relationships with others as we age and how we relate to people as adults as well.

Understanding attachment and attachment styles helps us to identify ways we can best support the children and youth in our lives to help them feel seen, safe, secure, and that their needs can be met. It also helps us identify patterns we may see in our own relationships with other people and see areas where we can improve our own relationships.

• How likely are we to trust other people?

• How warm are we when we respond to others?

• Do we know our needs will be met?

• How often do we drastically change emotions or feelings toward other people?

• Are we willing to let people get close to us?

• How often do we need reassurance within relationships?

• What is our innate mindset toward other people?

We cannot control what happened to us when we were children, so there is no shame to be felt if you don’t have a secure attachment. This information is important to help us be empowered to understand ourselves, how we connect to others, and any areas we can grow in our ability to be in relationships with others. The key take away in all of this is that change is possible! Every interaction that you have with a child, coworker, or loved one, is an opportunity to show them they are safe with you, seen as a person, and you can help meet their needs. That is what human connection boils down to. Make the most of every day, small moments in your interactions with others. Here is a resource with tips for forming stronger attachment with your child from Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute.

How do you see these patterns come up in your own relationships personally, professionally, and even within your work? Are there areas that you can personally grow in? How can identifying the patterns and attachment styles of those around you help you connect with them more authentically?

What kind of content do you want to see discussed or shared? Are there certain needs that you are seeing rise up within your work? Share with me, I want to help!

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